So I've been thinking lately...although I've noticed this past year that i think a lot. I've pretty much decided that i suck at life completely. I love life, don't get me wrong, I just don't have my life in order. I feel like a failure at life. I'm 18, almost 19, and have no job and I'm not going to college. I want to go to college, but I think I'm just scared. I'm scared I'm going to fail out of college or get there and decide it isn't where I want to be and quit. Everyone keeps pressuring me to go to school and do my basics, which I will do, but they also keep trying to suggest majors for me. That's great that they want me to go learn and be successful, but I want to learn about something that interests me and the only thing that does that is music. All of the things that I choose for MY future get shot down. Everyone tells me that I would just go and waste money doing what I want to do and not like it and quit. Plus, we don't really have the money for the schools I have picked. I guess when it comes to school and my future I have expensive taste. But, when I think about it, I don't really know what I want to do in life yet. The only thing I know for sure is that music is my passion and I love it more than anything...except God and the people in my life. But sometimes I do love music more than my friends and family. Just because I can relate to it and use it to express myself. Music is amazing for so many reasons. The thing that I want to do most is be in a band or work with a band, even if I were to just sell merch. As long as I love what I do and I'm happy right? Well, I can't play my guitar well enough to be in a band, and I don't know any bands that I could sell things for. I would even love to be involved in an organization like TWLOHA for example. Getting to go on Warped Tour every year and hear all the great bands pretty much for free and helping a great cause and helping people all at the same time. I don't really care much about making a lot of money. Sure it would be great to have a lot of money and I want to be able to live comfortably, but I just want to do something that I love and makes me and others happy.
Also, I feel so ashamed of myself. I do believe in God, but I find myself not living the way I should be. I'm not a bad person and I don't do a lot of bad things all the time. In fact I think the worst thing I ever do is curse, but it's really hard not to sometimes. And I am an adult so I don't get in trouble for it. My dad lets me curse. Although I don't really know what makes a word a curse word. Think about it, curse words are just another word for words that already exist. Like ass...that is original the word for a donkey but is also used as a word for butt. We don't get in trouble for saying butt, so who decided that ass is a curse word. Same thing with shit. That means poo, but we don't get in trouble for saying poo. Back to the point though. I do sin like everyone else, but I don't really try not to anymore. I haven't been to church since August when I moved in with my dad. My church is an hour away, and I don't feel comfortable finding another one where I don't know anybody. I don't read my bible anymore either. And I'm sad to say that most of the time if I do read it, I don't always understand it and usually don't get anything out of it in a sense of it pertaining to my problems or whatever I'm going through at the time. I don't remember the last time I prayed either. When I do pray I don't always know what to say to God and I usually end up crying and asking for him to help me understand and be a better person, but I just don't really ever feel any different. I want to though, and I do believe in God. I'm really scared about my spiritual life because I really don't have one when it comes down to it.
Basically, I'm just scared of how I'm going to turn out and how my life will be. I don't want to be a failure in life, and right now that is the road I'm headed down. I need to find a detour on the road of my life that leads me to the right direction and the right road. I just don't know what I'm going to do as of now.

Thanks to whoever read this whole thing. I know it was long and I'm sorry. I just needed to get all of that out and clear my head a little. I'm off to listen to some music. It always seems to help. Especially Paramore!  Comment if you want.

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Faces in Disguise-Sunny Day Real Estate

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Tags: paramore banners
Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Paramore!!!